I am ashamed to admit it.
I feel sad and lonely.
I sit by the pool in warm and sunny Florida and there is no one here to share with. I sit with my computer all day and stare at the screen. I write. Though writings seems like an isolating thing to do today.
I long for human contact and deep connection, though I am afraid to build it.
Multiple times today I went back into bed, snuggling with my largest pillow, pretending it to be a women I love. I am ashamed to write that.
I am scared of my own thoughts and judgments about other people. I am scared that I will look at someone I like and think a hurtful thought about them. I am scared to share my thoughts as they come up.
Deep intimacy… I want it and I am scared of it.
I am afraid to love someone and being left alone.
Multiple times I heard the statement: The fear is the wish.
Maybe I want to love someone and being left alone? Why would I want that?
Maybe I still need to replay my relationship with my mother in my intimate relationships with women. My mother never left me, though I also never felt fully loved by her. I think she could not deal with me as a child.
This hurts to write. I don’t want to write that and I believe this is true.
I truly believe that she did her best.
I think I should not write: I want love and connection!
What a petty thing to write…
I am the source of my love and connection… and I am doing a good job at resisting my own best interests and finding ways to screw up. I keep myself from experiencing love and connection. Maybe I want to avoid further hurt and pain.
I felt powerless around women all my teenage years.
I never knew what to do.
Later I just lied to women and cheated on them, manipulated them to get sex.
Kind of like moving from being abused to becoming the abuser.
I am tired of this. I don’t want to play this game anymore.
In theory, I know what to do.
I can answer every point here with a logical statement.
Though in practice, I am sitting here alone.
I think my challenge for the future will be to openly share my intentions with other people, report my thoughts, relate my feelings from human being to human being, do something I really like that helps other people and live in a community among good friends who agree to do all the above.
Anyone wants to join?