Adrien on getting over anger towards parents
My Radical Honesty Weekend Workshop with Marvin was fantastic…
After a 3h intro session, I decided to do a full Radical Honesty weekend in London. That’s when I met Marvin, that’s when I fell in love with Radical Honesty. It made me feel a deep connection with other people.
What I loved the most were the interactions that naturally emerged as the group came to life, people engaging and triggering each other, voicing resentments, coming to appreciation, voicing more resentments, experiencing each other’s presence and coming together.
I found Marvin especially admirable for two things.
First, he let himself lead the workshop as a “participant” too. He too was sharing his emotions, from anger to sadness through appreciation. That really impressed upon me how aligned with one’s emotion one can be from practicing radical honesty. How quickly one can go to forgiveness and compassion.
Initially, I thought Marvin was a RH “newbie”. I judged him as “emotional” (he’s actually been practicing Radical Honesty for 6 years). I judged “look at all those feelings he’s still having, that’s not really good control is it” - but that’s the thing: control is an illusion and Marvin doesn’t play Cool Teacher Who’s On The Mountain.
In a post recently he wrote, as one of his most important lessons from practicing Radical Honesty: “Always a beginner”.
I imagine that you come back to a place of learning and humility when you really get it.
That’s where I imagine Marvin to be.
Marvin and I frequently message each other and every time we get on the phone he “enlightens” me about something. I’m so grateful for how kind, compassionate and authentic he is.
I’ve found a friend, a teacher, a brother for life in Marvin.
Completing what was incomplete with my parents
During the workshop I committed to a completion talk with my mom the next week. I knew that if I didn’t commit I would flake on my engagement. I texted her and my dad, she said yes and he said he wasn’t interested in my stuff. I was too afraid to have to deal with him anyway. Then during the week my dad said he’d talk with me because he understood that it was important for me.
I need to say that I have hated my dad for about my whole life since I was 10 or 12.
I have the story that he was never on my team. That I piss him off, that he doesn’t want to give me things. That he’s a strict sob with no consistency, always arbitrary. Always his last word. I hated that his jokes could make me laugh. For school he would always take the teacher’s side. Forced me to go to church so many days.
You get the idea.
My parents and I were in a constant fight.
At about 17, and recommitting every year, I told myself that I would use my parents for money for as long as I’d need them, and escape as soon as I could to never see them again, never talk to them ever again.
Yes, I have a lot of resentments against my dad (and mom).
My parents are my living negative triggers.
The Saturday (I had come from London for a weekend) after lunch my dad and I walked to his office where we’d have the whole afternoon to us. I was nervous. After we sat down we started talking. I explained the principles - voicing my emotions honestly, feeling the feelings, wanting him to listen to me.
I was getting very nervous.
I started to try to say things. I can’t exactly remember. Then I found something I wanted to say.
I told my dad that I resented him for hitting me when I was a kid. He sincerely smiled and said with humour “I didn’t really _hit_ you...”. Funny how memory works. Yes you did. I resented him for saying it. I resented that his face looked sympathetic. I knew what else I’d say.
I remember the thoughts in my mind around that time were : Why am I here?
I’d need a million completion talks! This is pointless. I should just not do this and hate him and not deal with this fucker anyway. What’s all this for? Why would I even think of torturing myself like that?
I wanted to leave…
But I stuck with my idea of getting over my anger and tried to formulate my idea in a different way. I blocked. My lips started to shake. I started tearing up and breathing heavily, and all I could say was “I imagine that you don’t love me...” and I blew up in tears and I couldn’t speak more.
He said “as a parent, we’re so afraid...” as an excuse for his strictness, intolerance, and aggressiveness.
I felt this was true. I liked him for saying that. I imagine I could be the same if the child I loved did something I thought was dumb and dangerous.
And then he said some logical sounding bullshit about love being this and that. I felt angry and I resented him for saying what he said. I felt my body and stuck with the feeling.
He did it several time, going back to what I judge were bullshit rationalisations and stories.
I stuck with my feelings and expressed them as they came up to the best of my abilities.
But then we had a nice talk (however logical and non-emotional) I shared my ideas with him, who I was as a Man, what I wanted out of life, how I was different from them, etc.
Other things happened, but that’s the essence of my talk with my dad.
We need to talk more. But I love him. I think that he accepts me more. I can see how he reacts differently than my mom now, when I talk about my future (which she can’t take seriously, not proper enough) or when I get an earring. I want to love him more. I read about the place where you see your parents like brother and sister in humanity. I want to reach this place of compassion.
Adrien shares his ideas and journey towards authenticity on Youtube.